Elster's World

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Exclusive ElstersWorld Interview!

My buddy Brian did some work for the Mets and has some contacts there. He managed to score me the cell phone number of one Diego Vargas, who works in the Mets trainers room at their spring training facility. In other words, he's a huge "in" on the Mets current injury situation. I managed to get a hold of him at 1:00 am this morning to discuss the injuries and their impact on the coming season. Here is a transcript of our call:

Elstersworld: Diego how are you?

Diego Vargas: Not so good man, I just dropped a sixer of Dos Equis at some seedy bar, I'm reeling pretty badly right now. But since your such a good man, I'll answer some questions. The twenty dollars is in the mail right?

EW: Uh, yea. Sure. So tell me, what role do you play in the training room.

DV: Janitorial.

EW: Jane...but you DO work there right?

DV: uh huh.

EW: So based on our conversation, who do you see as the biggest of the issues?

DV: Lessee here...um, I guess Sosa, Schoenweiss, Heilman...

EW: Wait, those guys aren't hurt??

DV: Ohhhh, you were asking about the hurt guys. I though you meant issues like as in "sucking". Hmm. Well, we can start with Alou and that hernia. Not an easy injury for a 45 year old to come back from.

EW: You mean 41?

DV: (Snickering) You think Danny Almonte was the first Latin American to fake a visa compadre? (Cackles).

EW: And besides Alou?

DV: Well Delgado is suffering his second hip injury in 6 months. He's also 35 and a little heavy. All things considered would anyone really be shocked if he snapped in half while bending down for a low grounder this season?

I'm also terrified about Orlando. He's also close to half a century old and all of a sudden he has to learn a new delivery to compensate for a bunion injury. First of all, bunions? Second of all, talk about an old dog learning new tricks.

EW: But couldn't that really be a blessing in disguise with Pelfrey getting the number 5 slot and El Duque going to the pen?

DV: Hey I'm the janitor, not the Manager. Go talk to Willie or Mr. Minaya about that Senor.

EW: Who else should worry us Diego?

DV: Well, me and Luis Castillo go drinking and to strip clubs pretty much every night and he's looked a step or two slower. Since the Mets are looking to him for speed at the top of the order and defense, I dunno. Beltran's knees will be fine, it's his big mouth I'd be worried about. Churchie jus got a bad headache. He'll be ok by May. Same with that Jewish catcher. It's jut a hammy and Lord knows he can't run or hit anyway (another cackle). My other compadre Gotay - I dunno man. But even if he hit .750 this spring he'd be gone. you know, no options and loco manager. Easley will be ok too. I mean ok as he's gonna be you know? And Endy...(trails off into unintelligible Spanish).

EW: So not a pretty picture is it? It seems like there's a good chance the Mets will dig themselves into a huge hole in April and maybe May. where are they going to get a first base/corner outfield righty bat? Should Mets fans start panicking?

DV: (Laughs). No way man. Why worry. We still got Johan, Pedro, Maine and Ollie baby. That erases a lot of mistakes. Besides, as the guys proved last year - it's not how you start, it's how you finish. Now i gotta go find a bathroom before my rental Ford becomes a urinal.

EW: Good night Diego.

DV: (Snores softly)


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