Elster's World

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Public Service

In light of my heavily traffic-ed last post (I got record setting hits for me at least) - I thought that, in order for us all to better understand what we are talking about when we are bashing people different than us, I would publish a Guide To All Of The Sects Of Judaism. You know, to make everyone's generalizations regarding everyone else much easier. Obviously, and in the interest of time, I am cutting corners - but I'm sure you all realize that people can be summed up in a sentence or two so it's totally ok. So without further ado, a handy dandy guide to All Of The Sects Of Judaism* (I hope everyone realizes to take this post in the spirit in which is it meant):

*Please note, this guide only works in America. Israeli sects are way beyond my simple grasp.

Reform: Mmmmmm, Pork

Conservative: "I hope there are enough parking spaces in shul this shabbos. Last week I had to park my car 2 blocks away and, get this, walk to shul!"

Left Wing Modern Orthodox: Uses his knowledge of the Talmud and other Judaic sources to find a Kulah for internet porn.

Modern Orthodox Centrist: (Wait, do these people really exist in the Real World or only on paper? Besides the Rav, of course.)

Right Wing Modern Orthodox: Really, really wants to live a totally Torah life but can't quite seem to give up on Lost, The Amazing Race, 24 and ER. Still trying to figure out why some kids at the co-ed camp his daughters go to were caught using drugs and alcohol during learning groups.

Yeshivish: Must wear a white shirt and black pants at all times (yes, even to sleep) and, of course, a hat on shabbos. Must be armed with a list of 20 yiddish phrases - one of which can be used in any situation. If single, he's either (i) tall, lanky, acne faced (greasy, scraggly beard optional) and not showered, or (ii) a little too muscular. If married, it's to a Hot Chanie.

Yeshivish Hocker: Same as above except he's limited to 10 yiddidh phrases, doesn't know which way Hebrew is read and he is wearing an enormous key ring with dozens of keys that don't open anything/turn anyhting on. Oh and he's an active member of Hatzolah.

Left Wing Chassidish: He's obviously wearing all the right garb, but you'll see him at the Williamsburgh Blockbuster exactly 35 seconds after Havdallah on Saturday night. He makes no bones about his reconcilliation between the tenets of his faith and his love of Keira Knightly, who he thinks was just fabulous in Bend it Like Beckham.

Centrist Chassidish: On top of the right garb (see above), you will never see Mr. Centrist Chassid in the Williamsburgh Blockbuster 35 seconds after havdalah on motzei shabbos. That's because he drives to the non-Jewish area of Brooklyn to get his movies, thank you very much.

Right Wing Chassidish: Finally we come to the holiest of the lot. The Right Wing Chassidish man. And what, you ask, sets this most holy of creatures apart from all others? Is it the flowing beard? The earth shattering piety? The way he avoids eye contact with any woman, including his own wife and daughters? No my friends. It's the fact that when he purchases a tv, he brings it home in an "air contioner" box so no one knows he has one.

We here at Elster's World hope that this Guide will serve you well the next time you are "forced" to write an angry, hate-filled comment on a blog about someone who is different than you. Because after all, "know thine enemy", right?

19 Comments:

  • Disgusting.

    By Blogger Eshet Chayil, at 9:12 AM  

  • OK. I take back the comment because I have to admit I was laughing until we got to chassidish. Maybe I'm the one who's disgusting here.

    By Blogger Eshet Chayil, at 9:14 AM  

  • EC - I tried to be absolutely evenhanded in my Guide. I think I did a nice job of that no?

    And lest we all did not quite understand, this was done tongue in cheek.

    By Blogger Elster, at 9:23 AM  

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  • Wait a second. An xtra 800 a month? really? I am SOOO there.

    By Blogger Elster, at 9:38 AM  

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    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:17 PM  

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    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:18 PM  

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    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:18 PM  

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    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:18 PM  

  • Hey, nice blog!!! I found a... No. Why do you put up with that spam? Anyway, nice blog, I'm glad I found it. You weren't exactly fair about those descriptions, but I guess it makes a point.

    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:21 PM  

  • Soooorry. Diddn't mean to post that so many times. There must have ben something wrong with my connection. Please remove the duplicates; I am so embarrassed.

    By Blogger Teddy Douglas, at 12:34 PM  

  • amusing.. but not exactly even-handed. it's not difficult to figure out which category you fall into/identify with.... so the tongue-in-cheek part only sorta works, because it's harsher on some than on others -- and reflects a certain, shall we say, preference?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:53 PM  

  • Teddy - Wow, I was SO excited when I saw 13 comment!!!! Alas, I will remove them when I get a second. How was I "not fair"? My whole point was that people shove entire groups into silly, sensless categories that are 100% untrue. My categories aren't meant to be fair or true, just to show how silly it is.

    Anon - If you cannot figure out where I "fall", then didn't I do a good job of skewering everyone? Again, I don;t really mean to skewer ANYONE but ok.

    By Blogger Elster, at 1:40 PM  

  • Ooops anon - I misread you. The truth is, anyone who reads me knows where I fall - I think I did treat everyone "fairly", but in truth it doesn't matter - because that's against the whole point of this post.

    By Blogger Elster, at 1:44 PM  

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  • Uh oh - we are one spamming away from going back to the dreaded word verification. If for no other reason than that I get excited to see 4 new comments only to get heartbroken right after.

    By Blogger Elster, at 3:58 PM  

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